The Politics of Grieving
Apr. 16th, 2013 01:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deirdreI've been hearing people get berated over how they did or did not express their grief over the Boston tragedy. Except for re-posting Patton Oswalt's excellent facebook post, I've been silent on the issue.
One thing I learned going through the widow routine is that every form of grief is different, and none of what you feel is wrong. Sure, your actions may be inappropriate, but what you feel isn't.
I'm just going to say it: I accidentally killed my husband of five months with a blowjob.
He had an aneurysym, unbeknownst to both of us, and it blew. His blood pressure was 260/160 by the time the paramedics arrived, and I got to watch one brain function shut down after another. I sincerely hope I never see anything that terrifying ever again.
Do you think that my experience had any relevance to the long-married widows and widowers who had lost their spouses to cancer? Heart attack? Whatever? No, it did not. I felt more alone going to a grief support group than I had before I went.
Because every form of grief is different. Really.
I still get hit by that in the weirdest ways. Like, for example, I donated his organs and got a letter from the son of the liver transplant recipient. Years passed. I was working at Apple when Steve Jobs, who was a liver transplant recipient, died. And, wham. I wasn't aware that there was a part of grieving that hadn't happened because not all of my late husband is dead. (I do know the name of the transplant recipient, and he has never appeared on the Social Security Death Index. So I infer.)
So, about that grief. Let people feel what they actually feel, and if you need permission to feel however you actually feel, you have mine.
See also Jim Keller's great post.
One thing I learned going through the widow routine is that every form of grief is different, and none of what you feel is wrong. Sure, your actions may be inappropriate, but what you feel isn't.
I'm just going to say it: I accidentally killed my husband of five months with a blowjob.
He had an aneurysym, unbeknownst to both of us, and it blew. His blood pressure was 260/160 by the time the paramedics arrived, and I got to watch one brain function shut down after another. I sincerely hope I never see anything that terrifying ever again.
Do you think that my experience had any relevance to the long-married widows and widowers who had lost their spouses to cancer? Heart attack? Whatever? No, it did not. I felt more alone going to a grief support group than I had before I went.
Because every form of grief is different. Really.
I still get hit by that in the weirdest ways. Like, for example, I donated his organs and got a letter from the son of the liver transplant recipient. Years passed. I was working at Apple when Steve Jobs, who was a liver transplant recipient, died. And, wham. I wasn't aware that there was a part of grieving that hadn't happened because not all of my late husband is dead. (I do know the name of the transplant recipient, and he has never appeared on the Social Security Death Index. So I infer.)
So, about that grief. Let people feel what they actually feel, and if you need permission to feel however you actually feel, you have mine.
See also Jim Keller's great post.