Morbid Thoughts, In No Particular Order

[deirdre]

britgeekgrrl losing her husband Alex slammed me in the face today, reminding me of 13 years ago when my own husband died suddenly.

So, from experience, and in no particular order:

* Everyone's grief is different. Don't judge another's process. (Intervene if you believe it necessary to life or sanity, sure.)

* When an outsider might think everything is okay is when it gets really hard. For me, I was in shock for 9 months, and then it got really difficult for another 9. But people thought I should be "over it" then. Ummm, no.

* You're never really over it, you just get better armor with smaller and fewer chinks.

* People grieving may need to express some negative sentiments, such as things they will not miss and things that frustrated them about the deceased. This is normal, and if the person expresses them, it's because they feel it's necessary. It's healing. People don't become saints when they die, and treating the deceased like that automatically means the other party in an argument was wrong or a bad person and it interferes with grieving. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to hear (especially once one gets to the anger stage). Healing first.

* From a friend who'd been both divorced and widowed: she said the primary difference is that, in a divorce, they pack their own stuff. I'd add that, in a divorce, generally there's only two parties arguing over belongings. (My late husband's ex asked for "her" wedding china -- which she'd given up in the divorce -- back. I recognize that she had grief too, but...no.)

* Sometimes the nicest thing you can do for someone is make sure they eat and have someone to be there with, even if they don't say a word.

* Movies can be low stress shared experience because no one feels obligated to talk.

* There's no easy way to crawl up out of grief except one moment at a time. Decide to live for one moment. Try to do something that pleases you for one hour. Thank living through the day. Eventually, it gets better.

* In my case, it permanently changed me. There is no old normal again. There is only a new normal.

* If you are the person who lost a loved one, especially a spouse or life partner, recognize that this is the one time when you might be able to be forgiven for unusual acting out. If you see that from the other end, try to let it slide unless it's actually dangerous.

* Know the symptoms of depression so that you will be able to recognize them. I was going into my doc for something else and read an article about signs. I had none of the primary symptoms and quite a few secondary ones. I started on anti-depressants. In two weeks, I went from being convinced I'd never write another word to writing again. It wasn't great writing, but I was able to have a creative outlet again, which in turn made me even happier.

* A few days before his sudden death, Richard asked me to promise to remarry and be happy if something happened to him. This promise kept me strong in times when I was in a lot of pain, and I think it was a great gift to me at that time.

* kyburg reminded me (ironically enough) that short-term memory takes a vacation, especially during the initial numbness phase. The short-term to long-term pathway just fizzles. There are huge chunks of things I don't remember from that time. So if the bereaved doesn't remember things, that's also normal.

On reposting: if it moves you, please feel free to do so. The more people understand about grief, the better prepared they'll be when they (or others around them) are hurting.